Reality Check: Expectations and Negotiations

During a New Year’s decluttering spree, I stacked objects to redirect to new homes in a pile that was way too high. What happened? It fell over. You and I both knew that would happen.
The logical question: “If you knew it was going to happen, then why did you do it?” Logic can be so annoying, don’t you find?
Experience teaches us many predictable consequences: Run on the ice; fall down. Eat nachos at bedtime; indigestion! Neglect your garden; welcome weeds.
Even though we know what’s likely to happen, we sometimes try anyway. Just this once we might get away with it!
Consequences show up in relationships among people too, but they can be more difficult to figure out. For one thing, different people respond differently. If you neglect to follow up on a promise to Margie, she might think nothing of it. Do the same to Millie and you’re in the doghouse.
There are other variables too. Interrupt Sherry when she’s having a good day; she laughs it off. Interrupt Sherry when she’s having a stressed day, and you may end up ducking flying objects.
One of the benefits of paying attention to relationships is that we learn about people. For example, I’ve learned that Sherry will do anything I ask, but only after she’s had her coffee. Whether I perceive that as reasonable or not is my choice. I can also choose whether I will criticize it, argue about it, complain, or accommodate it. I have choices. At least I know that there is a connection between my action and the probable result.
Among Dr. Glasser’s suggestions for habits that build relationships is one called “negotiating differences.” What can we interpret from that?
First, it acknowledges that we will have differences, even among people who genuinely care for each other. How you spend free time, where you live, whether you’ll adopt a dog or a cat; those differences can be negotiated within the context of a caring relationship.
However, differences can be difficult to negotiate, especially when they concern strongly held beliefs. We see people divided by opinions on social issues, leadership, the future, the past, what to fear, what to embrace, and more.
If you have differences about serious issues with someone you care about, Glasser’s writings about a parent-child conflict might help. In “Choice Theory,” he suggests “…replace forcing and retaliation with negotiation.” Recognize that the relationship is more important, and that “hammering away” is not productive.
If the relationship has become adversarial, then just like my unstable pile of clutter, we can predict what could happen. When we embark on a mission to change the other, there’s a good possibility that there will be pieces to pick up!
Both people involved know that they disagree. If we approach a discussion from the perspective of, “I’m right; you’re wrong. I must convince you to change” it’s unlikely we’ll get far. After all, they have that same belief about their position, don’t they?
However, if we view the relationship as more important than the difference, we may consider whether to try negotiating the difference. One helpful question could be, “Do you want to work this out?” If the answer is “Yes,” then carry on with questions like, “How do you think we could proceed?”
But if the answer is, “No,” then I’d suggest taking them at their word. Review your expectations, and perhaps choose to be satisfied with the relationship as it is.
Do differences in opinions interfere in your relationships? How do you handle that?

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