Reality Check: The Whys and Hows of Relationships

Relationships are a big deal in Choice Theory, where much of Dr. Glasser’s writings address how to improve relationships. Yet if we look at current culture, we could get the impression that it’s the disputes that are applauded, not efforts made toward achieving harmony and understanding.
Why are relationships so important? There are different theories. I’ll give you a brief look from the Choice Theory perspective. I’ve found it useful when making choices about relationships; maybe it will be helpful for you too.
Essentially, Choice Theory says that we act to satisfy a set of five basic needs. We have a need for survival/security, power, freedom, fun and love/belonging.
You may be thinking that if we all share the same needs and we are all trying to satisfy them, then we would all act the same way. Well, we know that doesn’t happen, don’t we?
While our basic needs are the same, different people have different levels of each need. Further, we may have quite different pictures in our heads of what a satisfied need looks like. Thus, even though you and I are trying to satisfy the same need in ourselves, we might do very different things.
If we want to, we can satisfy many needs by ourselves. At least in the short term, we could satisfy our need for survival, power, freedom, or fun by ourselves through what we choose to perceive and do.
For example, we don’t need someone else’s input, approval, or cooperation to have fun. It might be easier to have fun with friends, but it’s certainly possible to choose to view fun as activities that we do by ourselves. Whether it comes naturally or it’s a conscious choice, plenty of folks do exactly that; they have fun by entertaining themselves.
Satisfying our needs by ourselves might not be easy, but it’s possible. Just remember that one person’s satisfied need can look very different from someone else’s.
However, the need for love/belonging is a little different, because it pretty much requires somebody else. We need a relationship. In “Take Charge of Your Life,” Dr. Glasser points out, “We are social creatures who need each other.”
Ultimately, that’s why relationships are so central to Choice Theory.
Granted, what one person will find satisfying can be quite different from another. Maybe you’re satisfied with having one true friend, love, or casual companion, while someone else needs a large circle. No matter. Glasser’s take is simply that each of us needs somebody.
Is there any good news if you perceive that you are missing out on love/belonging? Here’s one suggestion: Take a clear-eyed look for any love/belonging that you do have in your life. When we’re feeling down and lonely, it’s easy to focus on all that we don’t have and ignore what we do have.
You may find that you have no perfect relationship. Human relationships seldom are (I speculate.) However, you may have someone, or even multiple people, who do care about you. Look for those people, even if they are just casual contacts. The lady who brings your mail; the clerk who chats to you; the neighbour who waves. Small things, yes. But it’s something. Make a list. Add to it as others come to mind.
It can be a lonely, lonely world, and despite future promises of non-human AI “friends,” I still think that for most of us, love/belonging is best satisfied when there is an actual human involved!
What would you suggest for someone who wants to increase love/belonging in their life?