Reality Check: One Good Thing

“Structured reality therapy” is an approach that Dr. Wm. Glasser developed and used for marriage counselling. Like some other aspects of Choice Theory, the process sounds almost simplistic; essentially it begins by having both people answer five straightforward questions.
Simplicity, however, can be clarifying. If we go through the process, that is, if we actually answer the questions sincerely, we can learn a lot about ourselves and the other person.
Last column, I took a look at the five questions as they apply to marriage. However, this structured approach can be helpful for many situations, not just marriage. One question in particular stands out as a potentially powerful way to help people shift perspective in a difficult situation.
The question comes after Glasser has established that both parties do want the relationship to continue, that each realizes that they can only control their own behaviour, and after each has had the chance to give their view of the problem.
Picture the scene. You have two people, undoubtedly angry with each other, both of whom have good reason for their unhappiness (at least in their own opinions). They’ve had a chance to unload about what’s wrong with their relationship. Neither Glasser, nor anyone else, can control what they are thinking about each other or about the relationship.
However, he can encourage them to shift perspective; to point them in a different direction. He asks, “…in your opinion, what’s good about your marriage right now?”
When we get involved in a dispute, whether between neighbours or nations, it’s very easy to focus on what’s wrong. The big picture gets lost as we remember the bad times, previous hurts, resentments, injustices. Our perspective can become even harsher when there are influences, even well-meaning influences, who remind us of all the times we’ve been wronged. “Remember that time she took advantage of you?” “He doesn’t respect you,” and so on.
In the middle of this upset comes the question, “What’s good right now?”
We don’t always need a big change to get a different view. Take a walk along the ocean. We could focus on the traffic whizzing by. Annoying, isn’t it? But when we turn our heads just a little, we see the ocean, the sky. It’s a different view.
This question is useful for many distressing situations; it need not be about marriage or even about a relationship. Perhaps you are looking ahead and all you can see is a future that promises little or no hope. Perhaps you are looking back, seeing only losses and heartaches. Or perhaps right now, in the present, you are having a difficult time with work, with school, with illness, or with just trying to manage getting through each day.
What’s good right now? Just one good thing. No matter the current incident or situation, is there one good thing? For example, has a setback made you more grateful for the relationships that do work? For the people who do genuinely care about you?
There are benefits both to ourselves and others when we choose a “one good thing” perspective. One is obvious; this perspective could help us resolve disputes and change the reality of the situation.
The other benefit comes within us. When we look specifically for that which is good, we are likely to find something. We can appreciate that good; maybe even nurture it into growing more good.
When you do find that one good thing, write it down. It’s so easy for our new, more satisfied perspective to get lost in the inevitable day-to-day troubles. Write it down; keep it close.
What’s good in your life right now?