Reality Check: The Most Basic Need of All

Posted on April 15, 2023 by RealityCheck

In recent columns, I’ve explored four of the five basic needs that Dr. Glasser suggested are common to all of us.
Among those needs is the need for love and belonging. We need to know that we are not alone in this world; that someone cares about us. We also have a need for freedom; to feel we are not constrained or confined.
Our need for fun might be a surprising one, but it exists nevertheless, motivating us to laugh; to find joy in life. And there’s a need for some form of power, which might manifest itself in counter-productive relationship-destroying ways, or it could motivate us to accomplish and achieve constructive recognition.
The remaining need, in my opinion, is the most basic need of all. It’s what Glasser calls survival and it’s also associated with security. Humans are motivated to survive. We want to feel secure, protected. If we believe our very survival is at stake, other needs fade in importance. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When We Lose Power

Posted on April 8, 2023 by RealityCheck

Dr. Wm. Glasser included power in his list of five basic human needs. As the word “power” can be interpreted in different ways, first let’s consider what power might mean here.
I don’t know how you spend your vacation, but Dr. Glasser spent one sitting on the beach with his dictionary, categorizing words according to the five needs. He found that words related to power, such as “important” or “achievement” far outnumbered words related to the other needs. Like it or not, power—and lack of power—plays a big role in our lives. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: For the Fun of It

Posted on April 1, 2023 by RealityCheck

Are you serious about having fun? Or do you consider fun to be frivolous? Do you treat fun like dessert, saving it for after all the serious business has been handled? Then, if there’s time, maybe you’ll have the opportunity for a little fun. But no fun while you still have things to do!
The basic needs that Dr. Glasser listed as being common to all of us seems to me to be a reasonable collection. Of course, we need love and belonging. We need some freedom. We need to experience a level of recognition and esteem to know that we have value. And we all have a need for that most basic of needs—to feel that we are secure; that we can survive. But fun as a basic need? Does fun really belong in a list of fundamental needs? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Need to be Free

Posted on March 25, 2023 by RealityCheck

Here in the “true north strong and free,” you might think that everybody understands freedom. According to Dr. Glasser’s choice theory, we all have some level of the need for freedom. We may all have the need, but there are still differences among us.
Some people, with a high need for freedom, perceive any restriction as unbearable. For others, the need is not so strong. Freedom matters to all of us, but it matters more to some than others. Our need for freedom also depends on what we want, doesn’t it?
For example, let’s say you’re told, “You will not leave your job to go sailing round the world.” How would you react? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Belonging Problem

Posted on March 19, 2023 by RealityCheck

The Choice Theory of Dr. Wm. Glasser suggests that we have five basic needs that motivate us to act. We may choose effective actions that create a satisfying life or we may choose ineffective actions that are counter-productive, even self-destructive. One way or another, we act.
Understanding our basic needs can be helpful, because if we can pinpoint a need that’s going unsatisfied, then we can potentially improve the situation.
We’ll examine the needs one at a time. First, we’ll look at the need for love and belonging.
In “Choice Theory” Glasser says, “Our need for love and belonging drives us not only to care for others to the point of caring for others we do not know, but also to seek satisfying relationships with special people, such as mates, family members, and friends all our lives.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Our Most Basic Needs

Posted on March 5, 2023 by RealityCheck

Are there more incidents of unhappiness now than ever before? The pandemic and the changes that accompanied it can certainly give that impression. There are plenty of stories. Some—about celebrities or strangers—appear in the media. But you may also be aware of unhappiness that involves people you know; unhappiness that hits closer to home.
Although I’m saying “unhappiness,” I’m thinking of a wide range of miseries. So many people—particularly young people—are fearful, sad, isolated, angry, and without hope.
This can’t be good. We need a level of satisfaction—even happiness—if we are to live purposeful, productive lives. Is the route to satisfaction a hidden path, only to be found by a lucky few who are especially privileged, or intelligent, or disciplined, or have some other magical quality? Or can anyone create a satisfying life for themselves? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Negotiating Differences in a Relationship

Posted on February 26, 2023 by RealityCheck

The seventh and final caring habit in Dr. Glasser’s list of caring habits is “always negotiating disagreements,” which I refer to as negotiating differences.
It might seem odd to think of negotiations when we’re talking about personal relationships. Negotiating sounds like something you do when you’re buying a house or dickering at a yard sale. We might negotiate a work schedule with a co-worker, or negotiate a dispute with a community member. But negotiate with a loved one? That sounds cold.
However, it’s not surprising that we would have differences within a close relationship. We’re not all the same. We won’t always agree on everything, no matter how beloved or close we are. Our differences don’t have to be a problem between us. How we handle them is the key. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Habit of Respect

Posted on February 19, 2023 by RealityCheck

If you’ve been following recent columns, you’ll know that I’ve been examining Dr. Glasser’s caring habits for building relationships, one at a time. To recap, those habits are: supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences.
We’ve now come to “respect.” The choice to respect is effective for any relationship—personal or professional. And respect is a choice, isn’t it? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Role of Trust in Relationships

Posted on February 12, 2023 by RealityCheck

How trusting are you? If you heard yourself described as a trusting person, would you take that as positive or negative? Does trusting mean that you are gullible?
My perception is that trust is a very good thing, in some situations and with some people. There are also situations where trusting would be misplaced; where we need to be on guard if we are to emerge unharmed.
Trust is one of the seven caring habits that Dr. Glasser lists for building good relationships. Practically speaking, what does trust mean in relationships? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Acceptance of Reality as a Caring Habit

Posted on February 5, 2023 by RealityCheck

Some people’s lives seem naturally filled with good, close relationships while others have a difficult time getting along with anyone. I certainly don’t have an easy answer for why these disparities exist. We only have control over some things. Thus, my focus is on what we can do to make life better.
The habits we use can either nurture or destroy relationships. This reality is addressed by Dr. Glasser in, “Take Charge of Your Life,” where he lists his seven “caring habits:” supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences.
I’ve been focusing on each habit, one at a time. The time has come to take a look at acceptance.
The inclusion of acceptance as one of the caring habits has been difficult for me to understand. What did Glasser mean? Surely he could not have meant that we must accept any and all behaviours from our fellows? Because you and I both know that some of the things that people do are simply not acceptable. Continue reading →

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