Reality Check: What a Gift Can Do

Posted on May 7, 2023 by RealityCheck

Gift-giving occasions are so common that they can seem like an obligatory nuisance or, more cynically, a corporate effort to boost consumerism. However, a thoughtful gift can have a genuine impact. Giving a gift can show that you care.
Yet even when we’re choosing gifts for people close to us, it can be hard to come up with the “right” gift.
Recent columns about basic needs sparked an idea—let’s consider gift choices from the perspective of basic needs. That is, is there a gift that could help your loved one satisfy their basic needs?
According to Choice Theory, those five basic needs are: security & survival, love & belonging, power, freedom and fun. Let’s consider the basic needs of a friend we’ll call Kelly. What might we choose? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Louder than Thoughts or Feelings

Posted on April 30, 2023 by RealityCheck

“Actions speak louder than words” is an old saying. Do you think it’s true? Many of us do. Words can be empty but actions demonstrate who we really are.
Choice Theory offers an extension to that idea by suggesting that actions can actually change our thoughts and feelings. How might this work? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Paths We Select Through Our Choices

Posted on April 23, 2023 by RealityCheck

One of the benefits of writing is that people sometimes tell me their stories. I appreciate getting them, especially stories about choices.
Recently, a young woman I’ll call Rebecca emailed me. We are acquainted, so the contact wasn’t completely unexpected. However, much of what she revealed was new to me. With her permission, I’m sharing some of it with you.
Rebecca had an “ah-hah” moment as she prepares to begin a new job. This significant event got her thinking about the progress she’s made and how that came about. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Most Basic Need of All

Posted on April 15, 2023 by RealityCheck

In recent columns, I’ve explored four of the five basic needs that Dr. Glasser suggested are common to all of us.
Among those needs is the need for love and belonging. We need to know that we are not alone in this world; that someone cares about us. We also have a need for freedom; to feel we are not constrained or confined.
Our need for fun might be a surprising one, but it exists nevertheless, motivating us to laugh; to find joy in life. And there’s a need for some form of power, which might manifest itself in counter-productive relationship-destroying ways, or it could motivate us to accomplish and achieve constructive recognition.
The remaining need, in my opinion, is the most basic need of all. It’s what Glasser calls survival and it’s also associated with security. Humans are motivated to survive. We want to feel secure, protected. If we believe our very survival is at stake, other needs fade in importance. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When We Lose Power

Posted on April 8, 2023 by RealityCheck

Dr. Wm. Glasser included power in his list of five basic human needs. As the word “power” can be interpreted in different ways, first let’s consider what power might mean here.
I don’t know how you spend your vacation, but Dr. Glasser spent one sitting on the beach with his dictionary, categorizing words according to the five needs. He found that words related to power, such as “important” or “achievement” far outnumbered words related to the other needs. Like it or not, power—and lack of power—plays a big role in our lives. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: For the Fun of It

Posted on April 1, 2023 by RealityCheck

Are you serious about having fun? Or do you consider fun to be frivolous? Do you treat fun like dessert, saving it for after all the serious business has been handled? Then, if there’s time, maybe you’ll have the opportunity for a little fun. But no fun while you still have things to do!
The basic needs that Dr. Glasser listed as being common to all of us seems to me to be a reasonable collection. Of course, we need love and belonging. We need some freedom. We need to experience a level of recognition and esteem to know that we have value. And we all have a need for that most basic of needs—to feel that we are secure; that we can survive. But fun as a basic need? Does fun really belong in a list of fundamental needs? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Need to be Free

Posted on March 25, 2023 by RealityCheck

Here in the “true north strong and free,” you might think that everybody understands freedom. According to Dr. Glasser’s choice theory, we all have some level of the need for freedom. We may all have the need, but there are still differences among us.
Some people, with a high need for freedom, perceive any restriction as unbearable. For others, the need is not so strong. Freedom matters to all of us, but it matters more to some than others. Our need for freedom also depends on what we want, doesn’t it?
For example, let’s say you’re told, “You will not leave your job to go sailing round the world.” How would you react? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Belonging Problem

Posted on March 19, 2023 by RealityCheck

The Choice Theory of Dr. Wm. Glasser suggests that we have five basic needs that motivate us to act. We may choose effective actions that create a satisfying life or we may choose ineffective actions that are counter-productive, even self-destructive. One way or another, we act.
Understanding our basic needs can be helpful, because if we can pinpoint a need that’s going unsatisfied, then we can potentially improve the situation.
We’ll examine the needs one at a time. First, we’ll look at the need for love and belonging.
In “Choice Theory” Glasser says, “Our need for love and belonging drives us not only to care for others to the point of caring for others we do not know, but also to seek satisfying relationships with special people, such as mates, family members, and friends all our lives.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Our Most Basic Needs

Posted on March 5, 2023 by RealityCheck

Are there more incidents of unhappiness now than ever before? The pandemic and the changes that accompanied it can certainly give that impression. There are plenty of stories. Some—about celebrities or strangers—appear in the media. But you may also be aware of unhappiness that involves people you know; unhappiness that hits closer to home.
Although I’m saying “unhappiness,” I’m thinking of a wide range of miseries. So many people—particularly young people—are fearful, sad, isolated, angry, and without hope.
This can’t be good. We need a level of satisfaction—even happiness—if we are to live purposeful, productive lives. Is the route to satisfaction a hidden path, only to be found by a lucky few who are especially privileged, or intelligent, or disciplined, or have some other magical quality? Or can anyone create a satisfying life for themselves? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Negotiating Differences in a Relationship

Posted on February 26, 2023 by RealityCheck

The seventh and final caring habit in Dr. Glasser’s list of caring habits is “always negotiating disagreements,” which I refer to as negotiating differences.
It might seem odd to think of negotiations when we’re talking about personal relationships. Negotiating sounds like something you do when you’re buying a house or dickering at a yard sale. We might negotiate a work schedule with a co-worker, or negotiate a dispute with a community member. But negotiate with a loved one? That sounds cold.
However, it’s not surprising that we would have differences within a close relationship. We’re not all the same. We won’t always agree on everything, no matter how beloved or close we are. Our differences don’t have to be a problem between us. How we handle them is the key. Continue reading →

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