Reality Check: Strings Attached

Posted on May 4, 2014 by RealityCheck

The book, Choice Theory, by Dr. William Glasser is subtitled, “A New Psychology of Personal Freedom.”

Glasser points out that the world is full of folks trying to control each other. These controlling behaviours cause plenty of misery—certainly for the “controllee” but also for the controller.

One controlling behaviour is manipulative gift-giving. Have you ever been offered a gift with strings attached? Glasser calls “bribing to control” one of the deadly habits that destroy relationships. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When Something Stinks

Posted on April 27, 2014 by RealityCheck

With delicate precision, the grandkids smeared stinky cheese into Grandpa’s moustache while he snoozed. Grandpa awakes, it stinks! No matter where he goes, everything stinks. The whole world stinks!

It can be surprisingly hard to tell whether it’s the whole world that stinks, or just that tiny speck under your nose!

Have you ever been around someone for whom everything “stinks”? How much fun is that? And here’s a stinky question: Is that ever you? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Situational Confidence

Posted on April 20, 2014 by RealityCheck

Do you believe that having self-confidence is important, satisfying, and helpful?

My next question: “Are you a self-confident person?”

There are many competent, skilled, accomplished people who lack self-confidence, and they know it’s an unsatisfying state.

You might think that when one is competent (capable, skilled) that confidence automatically tags along. Conversely, when one is not competent, you’d think there would be a corresponding lack of confidence.

However, the relationship between competence and confidence isn’t so straightforward! Continue reading →

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Reality Check: What Three Words?

Posted on April 13, 2014 by RealityCheck

“Why so glum, Jim?”

“I just got a compliment.  At least, I guess that’s what it was. I did a favour for Mary, and she told me how grateful she is to have me around, that I’m always so loyal and faithful and friendly.”

“I can understand why she would say that. So, what’s the matter?”

“Well, those are the same words that you would use to describe a black lab!”

There is an essential truth to that observation, isn’t there? Many of the qualities that make dogs “human’s best friends” are the same qualities that we value in our human friends. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Lessons from First Aid

Posted on April 6, 2014 by RealityCheck

Whenever I have the good fortune to participate in training, I try to figure out whether the skills I’m learning can be more broadly applied.

In first aid, for example, there’s the principle of protecting your own safety. Don’t put yourself at risk. If you allow yourself to get injured, you can’t help anyone else and you’re a casualty, too.

For first aid, this sounds sensible. Do you think the “don’t risk yourself” principle has any application outside of first aid? Let’s say you feel hurt in some way—perhaps you are depressed, anxious, angry, or whatever.  Does “don’t risk yourself” apply? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Experiments in Encouragement

Posted on March 30, 2014 by RealityCheck

How do we learn? One effective method involves coming up with an idea and then trying an experiment to see whether the idea works as we think it will. Observe what happens, and then draw a conclusion based on what we see. Did the idea work as expected? Or not? Either way, we have learned something.

We spend a good part of our lives offering information to people. Sometimes, we have the chance to express positive and encouraging sentiments. Other times, there’s the need to indicate a problem, a challenge, or an outcome that didn’t meet expectations.

In the inquiring spirit of experimentation, then, here’s a question.  Which type of information connects with the most effective change in behaviour: encouraging information that recognizes achievements? Or corrective information that points out mistakes? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: A Filter For Your Thoughts

Posted on March 23, 2014 by RealityCheck

Reality. You would think we’d all agree on what it is, wouldn’t you? Yet, two people can be exposed to the same situation or read exactly the same words and come away with quite different perceptions. How does that happen?

According to Dr. Wm. Glasser and others, we experience the world through filters. Here’s a brief (and only moderately filtered) explanation of some of Glasser’s choice theory concepts around filters.

We sense the real world through sight, sound, taste, etc. However, whether we pay attention to the information that we have sensed depends on our interests at the time. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When Evaluation Gets Personal

Posted on March 16, 2014 by RealityCheck

Last column, I offered suggestions regarding workplace evaluations and ways to prepare so as to gain some control over what can be a stressful situation.

The workplace is not the only venue where we are evaluated! What’s happening when your mother-in-law suggests that you are not doing a very effective job of bringing up her grandchildren? How about when your loving spouse tells you that you are driving too fast? Or your child turns up her nose at the food you have offered? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Evaluation time

Posted on March 9, 2014 by RealityCheck

At some point in our lives, most of us are evaluated. Evaluation may be a rare, stress-filled event or a routine, near-constant process.

Evaluation occurs at school, when a teacher assigns a grade. As adults, we are often evaluated in the workplace, when our employer assesses our performance. In less-formal, but no less significant contexts, actors, artists, and writers are reviewed and critiqued whenever they create.

So whether it’s by way of a formal mark, a performance review, or an off-hand comment by a friend, we are evaluated. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Wit’s end?

Posted on March 2, 2014 by RealityCheck

Are you ever at your “wit’s end?” You try everything you can think of to respond to a problem (usually a person-related problem), but nothing works to create the result you want.

Interactions with others are sometimes delightful, other times frustrating. Wouldn’t it be helpful if we had a few simple principles to guide our actions?

A tribute to Dr. Wm. Glasser that appeared in the International Journal of Choice Theory and Reality Therapy in 2013 tells this story: A woman begged Dr. Glasser for advice on how to deal with her 3 year old son. Dr. Glasser gave her these two suggestions: Continue reading →

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