Reality Check: Out of the Ashes

Posted on April 23, 2017 by RealityCheck

When good things happen, when our needs and expectations are being met, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to feel satisfied and happy.

However, when bad things happen, we’re given the delightful and very useful gift of an opportunity to build our “resilience muscles.” (It may not feel delightful at the time.)

Among the bad things that happen in many lifetimes is the breakup of a serious relationship. Even if you are the initiator of the breakup, it’s still a loss—your hopes for this relationship are not going to come true.

If you are an unwilling participant in the breakup, you may be feeling more than loss. If you perceive that you had no control over this significant change in your life, you may have lost confidence that you can control anything. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When you doubt yourself

Posted on April 16, 2017 by RealityCheck

While unjustified confidence can be perceived as arrogance, justifiable confidence is a positive quality. Self-doubt, for any of us, can result in a lack of enjoyment of our lives. An athlete who loses confidence can lose their enjoyment of the game.

Francesco Bazzocchi, a teacher and coach at St. Michael’s College School in Toronto, has written an account of how he uses choice theory to work with a self-doubting athlete who performs well in practice, but performs below his potential when it matters—in games.

Choice theory looks at behaviour as “total” and comprised of four components: what we are doing, what we are thinking, what we are feeling, and what’s going on with our physiology.

When Francesco asks the athlete about these total behaviour components, he uncovers differences between his pre-practice behaviour and his pre-game behaviour. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When there’s no perfect option

Posted on April 9, 2017 by RealityCheck

Have you ever needed to make a decision, only to find that there isn’t a single perfect option among the possibilities?

That’s the usual case, isn’t it? If there were a perfect option, we’d go right ahead and choose that. There would be no decision to make!

According to Dr. Glasser’s choice theory, humans have basic needs, including a physiological need for survival. But Glasser also identified four psychological needs: belonging, fun, freedom, and power. (The power need is also referred to as self-worth or achievement, not necessarily power over anything.)

Different people have different levels of each need. One person might have a strong need for belonging; another could have a strong need for freedom. Regardless, choice theory suggests that we are motivated to satisfy those needs.

Can awareness of our needs help us make more effective decisions? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Aged and Happy

Posted on April 2, 2017 by RealityCheck

If we are fortunate, we grow old.

If we are happy and satisfied as we grow old, we are very fortunate indeed.

What contributes to being happy as we grow older?

In recent columns, I’ve concentrated on practices suggested by Dr. Joel Wade in Mastering Happiness. He discusses happy, healthy aging with reference to George Vaillant’s book, Aging Well.

Vaillant concluded from extensive studies that seven factors might just make a difference between being “happy-well” rather than “sad-sick” in later life.

Here’s the list of seven. Are there any surprises? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Happiness and Self-Responsibility

Posted on March 26, 2017 by RealityCheck

Self-responsibility. In some circles, it’s practically a dirty word.

It seems that a cold and frightening picture comes to mind for some folks when they hear that there’s a move afoot to promote self-reliance as a useful skill. It’s as if they perceive self-reliance to be the situation of a helpless infant about to be thrown out of the cradle with a bottle, a change of diaper, and a note that says, “You’re on your own. Don’t come crying to me for help.”

Now that’s harsh.

So, is it helpful or is it cruel to promote self-responsibility? Continue reading →

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Reality Check:The Happiness of Turning Toward

Posted on March 19, 2017 by RealityCheck

Have I told you lately that I love you?

In any series of articles that’s looking to help increase our happiness, you knew that sooner or later, love would have to show up! It’s well-established that an important factor in our happiness is whether we have warm, loving relationships.

Keep in mind that “relationship” is much broader than the spousal or partner relationship that might come to mind. When you think about it, most of us have many relationships.

For example, there are children, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, immediate and extended family, community members, fellow volunteers, employees and more. You probably know a lot of people, and you have some sort of relationship with each of them. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Your Happiness and Other People’s Stuff

Posted on March 12, 2017 by RealityCheck

An application of choice theory called WDEP starts with, “What do you want?”

Different people want different things. Taking the time to first identify what you want helps you choose what actions to take to get it.

“What you want” is certainly not limited to material things. Perhaps you want an improved relationship, more peace of mind, or to become a more helpful, generous person. It’s your life; you get to choose what you want.

However, how you define your wants can have a lot to do with your happiness. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Happiness of Eliminating Options

Posted on March 5, 2017 by RealityCheck

Keeping our options open is often perceived as positive. “What are you doing for vacation?” “I’m keeping my options open.” Or, “Have you decided who you will marry?” “No, I’m keeping my options open.”

There’s a delightful sense of freedom that can come with perceiving our world as being filled with options and unlimited possibilities.

Yet, there’s also a downside to having too many choices open and under active consideration. As Dr. Joel Wade puts it in “Mastering Happiness,” “Every choice takes time and energy. There is a certain degree of anxiety that accompanies every choice.”

Even when a choice isn’t hugely important, keeping our options open (otherwise known as “not making a decision”) can be a surprisingly high drain of our energy. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: All Work and All Play

Posted on February 26, 2017 by RealityCheck

Think back to when you’ve had a really satisfying day. Perhaps it was yesterday! Or maybe you have to search your memory and go back years. No matter. Just think of a good, satisfying day that you’ve actually experienced—not one that you’ve imagined or wished for—but one that you’ve lived.

What made that day different from ordinary, less-satisfying days? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Practice Makes Better

Posted on February 19, 2017 by RealityCheck

We get good at what we practice. Even if we never completely master a skill, the more we practice, the more we improve. Conversely, if we don’t practice, we won’t improve and may even lose what skill we had.

In this series on happiness, my guiding question is, “What can we do to be happier?” If we want to become good at being happier, then it follows that we would practice the actions of being happy, and avoid practicing the actions of being unhappy.

Just because an action sounds sensible doesn’t mean it’s the most appealing choice, though. Continue reading →

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