Reality Check: Greater Expectations

I’d caught the tail end of a conversation about math scores and a possible connection with the practice of moving students along in grade level regardless of whether they’ve mastered skills.

It’s possible that I misunderstood. I’m sure what I heard was out of context. But if that’s the practice, then I chose to be sad about it. Why?

I’m sad about the math—never to be learned—and the missed opportunity for students to experience the joy that comes with mastery. I’m also sad about the struggle, failure, and loss of confidence that follows when one is plunged into more advanced tasks when ill-equipped with the basics. And of course, there are the career opportunities, now blocked, for those students.

You may know someone like Lee, who could be age 7 or 17. Lee lost his/her mathematical way somewhere along the line. Lee’s been moved along, in step with classmates and now is just putting in time. Sometimes, Lee acts out from boredom and frustration. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Your Menu Choices

If you want something to grow, it’s generally a good idea to feed it. Don’t want more? Then don’t feed it. That reasoning seems to hold true for the waistline; what if we apply it to emotions?

Noreen looks back on her teenage years as having been full of difficulty and injustice. The people that she believes should have cared for her instead put her down while favouring others. She felt both ignored and tormented. Life was hard.

Noreen’s fortunes changed as she grew up. She developed relationships with people who truly care for her. Through those relationships and her own persistence, Noreen now has a good life by many standards.

Yet, Noreen can’t seem to enjoy this good life. Rather than feeling happy, she’s angry, sliding into old resentments. She ruminates on her mistreatment, going over and over incidents when others were favoured over her. The injustice eats at her. It seems so wrong. Continue reading

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Reality Check: What we choose to want

We do a lot of comparing, don’t we? In Choice Theory, Dr. Glasser even talks about a “comparing place” in our brains. He uses the image of a balance scale; on one side sits what we want and on the other side is what we perceive that we have.

When those two sides are balanced, we’re pretty satisfied. If not balanced, that is, if we perceive that we don’t have what we want, then we’re not satisfied and it’s hard to be happy.

Where does choice come in? Well, we can choose what we want. We also have some choice in what we have, or at least, in how we perceive what we have.

Let’s take a look at Mitch, whose scale has gone from being balanced to unbalanced. Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Disillusioned Learner

Barb tried gardening last year for the first time. It was awesome! Barb was ecstatic with her beautiful tomatoes and huge cucumbers. Her marigolds flowered and her sunflowers were so very sunny.

Barb was hooked. All winter, she said, “I don’t know why people think gardening is difficult. It’s not!”

Bolstered by success, Barb went bigger this year. She bought more seeds and bigger plants. Visions of roses and petunias danced in her head, alongside bountiful baskets of corn and beans and peas.

However, a few things didn’t go well. You might remember the frost and the dry spell and the deluges of rain. Blossoms froze, seeds rotted, rows washed out. The bugs, which last year had been caught flat-footed, paid much closer attention this year. It was a disaster. Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Minute of Kindness

One of the email addresses that I’m responsible for is similar to that of an organization far, far away. So, sometimes I receive email that was intended for someone else.

Occasionally, it’s obvious that a message is important to the sender. Messages concerning resumes, grant proposals, scheduling, payments, confirmations; those are all issues that could really matter in the life of the person sending the email.

When I receive a message in error, I have two choices. I can ignore it, or I can respond to it. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Fear and the Unknown

If you’ve ever had a serious medical issue, then it’s safe to say you have experienced fear. That fear may be about unknowns: How will this turn out? Will I be ok?

When I was catching up with Sara some months ago, she wasn’t her usual self. She looked tired and drained. Turns out that she had developed a painful condition.

Yet Sara’s biggest concern wasn’t her current pain; it was fear of future unknowns. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Same Reality, Different Perspectives

Within my circle of friends and acquaintances, I hear more and more folks say, “I don’t listen to the news anymore.”

Considering that we live in a time when news from all over is readily available, the decision to tune it out completely is an interesting choice.

My choice is different. I seek out news with different points of view. Granted, I have my own biases and opinions, so I tend to believe one side more readily than another. But it’s still interesting to see how various sources take quite different perspectives.

Recently, for example, I noticed interesting differences about hurricane coverage. Continue reading

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Reality Check: When Fairness Holds Us Back

The mother-daughter conflict story told in Choice Theory by Dr. Glasser that I’ve been referring to has one more interesting dimension that some of us might find troubling.

Briefly, the story goes like this: Mom works all day and is angry that the daughter doesn’t help out in the home. There’s yelling and sulking and unhappiness.

Glasser’s suggestion was for mom to try a short experiment, during which she treats her daughter as if she were a valued customer.

If your definition of a customer is limited to someone who buys things, this may sound ridiculous to you. Of course, the daughter is not a customer in a traditional sense. Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Available Choices

Are you ever in a situation where you have no good choices? It’s especially difficult if you can picture the perfect choice. You wish that option was available; you might even mislead yourself into believing it exists, when in fact, it doesn’t.

When we cling to the idea that there should be a perfect option, we can hold ourselves back from recognizing the “not-great-but better-than-nothing” options that do exist.

As an example, let’s take another look at a mom-daughter situation described by Dr. Glasser in “Choice Theory.”

To recap, a relationship that had once been good is now awful, primarily because mom perceives that the daughter is not pitching in. Mom responds with anger when she comes home to find a mess.

Glasser’s suggestion to mom is to try an experiment. Stop the yelling and the blaming. Have pleasant conversations, nurture the relationship, make the dinner, do the cleanup herself. See what happens. Continue reading

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Reality Check: What would you choose?

A story told by Dr. Glasser in Choice Theory describes a mother-daughter relationship that had once been good but has now turned sour.

Mom works all day. She comes home; her teenage daughter is lazing around watching TV. The kitchen is a mess. Mom yells. Daughter sulks. Mom gets headache. No one is happy. We can all understand the emotions.

There will be few pleasantries or shared confidences in a relationship where the interaction starts with mom yelling the moment she’s in the door.

Glasser’s approach is to look at what we can and can’t control. While mom can control what she does, ultimately, she can’t control her daughter’s actions. Continue reading

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