Reality Check: Do you want to keep the hurt alive?

Posted on January 29, 2017 by RealityCheck

Have you ever been hurt? Probably so. I think that it’s the rare person who makes it through life without feeling that someone has done them wrong at some point.

This series of columns is intended to provide suggestions to help you bring more happiness into your life. Some of the information I’m drawing on comes from Dr. Joel Wade’s book, “Mastering Happiness.”

Dr. Wade suggests that practicing forgiveness can help you become happier.

Let’s say you experienced a hurtful incident, perhaps recently or perhaps long ago. Perhaps it was done intentionally or inadvertently. Maybe everyone knows about it, or maybe only you are aware of it.

No matter. You feel hurt. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Proactive Happiness

Posted on January 22, 2017 by RealityCheck

In this series of columns on happiness, my goal is to help answer the question, “What can we do to be happier?”

One excellent resource is “Mastering Happiness,” where Dr. Joel Wade discusses ten specific practices. If you adopt them, practice them, and stick with them, Dr. Wade suggests that you will have a more fulfilling life, that is, more happiness.

Notice that to reap the happiness benefit, you need both practice and persistence.

The first practice in Dr. Wade’s collection is that of gratitude. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Barriers to Happiness

Posted on January 15, 2017 by RealityCheck

To start this New Year, I’m choosing to focus on happiness.

For some time now, I’ve been interested in the question of why some people are happy while others are not. As I’ve studied this question, I’ve found books, articles, videos, and courses that have been created to help people increase their happiness. I thought I’d share some of that information with you.

Before we get started though, there’s a barrier to happiness that is worth looking at. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Choices of Conversation

Posted on December 23, 2016 by RealityCheck

It’s that time of year when people get together. Perhaps you’ll attend an office party to socialize with your fellow workers. Perhaps you’ll catch up with seldom-seen relatives. Maybe you’ll be partying with friends.

In any case, it’s possible you’ll find yourself with a variety of people who hold opinions different than yours! Differences can provide great opportunities for conversation, for learning, and for entertainment. They can also prompt conflict.

For example, political discussions can provoke very emotional responses. Someone may love a politician that you perceive as evil. Someone may have a perception of government that’s completely at odds with yours. There’s lots of opportunity for disagreement—whether the politics is local, provincial, national, or even in that country to the south. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Gift

Posted on December 18, 2016 by RealityCheck

If you’ve gone shopping recently, you’ve likely noticed that there are quite a few people out and about! Some folks love being immersed in the hustle and bustle and excitement.

However, as I’m not an enthusiastic shopper under the best of conditions, when the streets are full and the parking lots are fuller, I’d rather avoid it as much as I can.

It’s not that I want to avoid the joy and the giving and the celebrating, not at all. And in the big picture, my frustrations are pretty minor. For example, I dislike the waste of time spent waiting in lines, and I don’t enjoy the experience of finally figuring out exactly what I want to buy, only to find it’s available exactly nowhere.

Some folks, however, have significantly more serious frustrations. Take stress, for example. You might be feeling financial stress, lack-of-time stress, or the “judgment stress” that comes with thinking that you are not living up to expectations (even when the expectations are self-imposed.)

It can be even more dissatisfying when you, or the people around you, have the expectation that you are “supposed” to be cheerful at this time of year.

Perhaps instead of feeling joy and contentment, you feel frustration. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Fear of Being Hurtful

Posted on December 11, 2016 by RealityCheck

Conflict is a human reality. Whenever two or more people need to interact, there’s an opportunity for conflict.

Actually, I’ll take that back. Conflict doesn’t always require two people; there are times when I don’t even agree with myself!

So I could hardly pass up a book entitled, “The Coward’s Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight.”

In this book, author Tim Ursiny asserts that healthy conflict has benefits. It can lead to more confidence, more respect, more self-respect, better career prospects, and less anger and depression.

With all those benefits, why would we ever try to avoid conflict? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Memories can be Beautiful

Posted on December 4, 2016 by RealityCheck

I feel a chill whenever I hear of someone being prosecuted for a crime that’s said to have happened many, many years ago. It’s particularly disquieting when the prosecution is not based on physical evidence but rather, based solely on someone’s memory of an event.

My choice of discomfort about those stories is based on my perception of how memory works. It seems to me that memory is rather “flexible,” that is, what I remember and what someone else remembers of the same event can be surprisingly different!

So I was interested in a recent article by Dr. Joel Wade on memory. He suggests that our memories are not so much like a video of what happened, rather “…like stories we’ve created of our personal experience; an amalgam of emotions, perspective, and interpretations of events. We remember the meaning we made of the events at the time.”

What is the meaning that we make of events? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Aesop’s Snake

Posted on November 27, 2016 by RealityCheck

Do you believe there’s good in everyone? That even the most awful person is good at their core?

Values and beliefs form part of what Dr. Wm. Glasser refers to as our “Quality World.” Our beliefs influence our perceptions, decisions and actions.

Chelsea believes in the goodness of all. Thus, she believes that there is a core of goodness in her partner, Mike. Despite past experience, when Mike says, “Chelsea, I love you. I won’t drink [gamble, cheat on you, beat on you, steal from you, etc.] anymore,” Chelsea buys it. She wants to believe that Mike has changed.

Chelsea’s situation reminds me of Aesop’s fable of the farmer and the snake. These fables, although centuries old, effectively express big ideas in few words. There are different versions of the fable, but here’s the gist. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Dances with Feelings

Posted on November 20, 2016 by RealityCheck

When it comes to feelings, do you lead? Follow? Or just try to get out of their way?

You may remember, “If it feels good, do it.” That slogan came with a prevailing “wisdom” that it’s not only OK for feelings to guide your actions, but…that’s the authentic way to live!

Thus, if a choice doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good. A consequence of using this for your life philosophy could be that you take only paths that feel good, abandoning them when good feelings fade. If good feelings are transient, then you go from path to path, ever-seeking, never satisfied.

Instincts and feelings are certainly useful. For example, “This dark alley feels a little creepy; maybe I will choose another route.” Feelings that cause us to consider our actions can be handy for self-preservation! Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Joy of Mastery

Posted on November 13, 2016 by RealityCheck

In a talk on mastery, Sal Khan discusses the difficulty inherent in an educational process that pushes people to learn new material before they’ve mastered fundamentals.

Mastery of learning is an appropriate topic for Khan. He’s the founder of khanacademy.org, a website that provides lots and lots of opportunity to practice math and science.

Khan questions how we’d view house construction if we treated it the way we treat achievement in school. Is it OK for an inspector to declare a foundation 75% correct and say, “It passed! Carry on.”?

We know that the foundation needs to be 100% or the whole construction will eventually come tumbling down!

Where else is mastery critical? Continue reading →

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