Reality Check: Your Power Source

A young woman I’ll call Yvette signed up for math class. The first day, Yvette informed me that she can’t do a specific, very basic type of problem. Over the years, others have tried to teach her but she just can’t learn it. It’s impossible.

Now I’m not the brightest instructor in the instructional universe, but that declaration was a pretty clear indication to me that I would fare no better. I, too, would not be able to overcome Yvette’s tremendous barrier. I would not be able to teach her this bit of common knowledge. Others had failed; there was no doubt that I would go down in flames with the rest.

It was suggested to me that Yvette could have oppositional defiance disorder. But an explanation, or even a diagnosis, isn’t a solution, is it? The answer to, “How do I work with that?” was not encouraging.

Since then, I’ve developed a better understanding of Dr. Glasser’s choice theory. Human behaviours that used to puzzle me are not quite as mysterious anymore. Continue reading

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Reality Check: What does encouragement look like?

A friend for whom I have very high regard had a scheduling conflict. It looked like she’d be unable to attend a meeting I’d organized. I was disappointed.

Then, she went out of her way to rearrange her schedule so she could attend after all. I was encouraged! Why? Despite the inconvenience for her, she chose to take deliberate action to support my effort.

This sequence got me thinking about encouragement and how to encourage others. We know that encouragement is a helpful habit that builds relationships. But what does encouragement actually look like? Continue reading

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Reality Check: If your past was a yard sale…

Even if you don’t love yard sales or flea markets, you probably know someone who does. While frugality is some of the incentive, for the passionate yard-salers, much of the joy comes from the hunt.

The thrill of the hunt is only surpassed when you find a treasure after searching through a pile of what looks like junk (to the untrained eye). It’s satisfying to uncover a prize that no one else recognized as such.

Yard sale aficionados tend to be pretty darn pleased about their victories. They remember exactly how much they paid, how the sale went, maybe even the weather: “It was overcast and spittin’ rain; the seller was getting desperate and hauling their tables in under cover. I came round and made a last ditch offer and they went for it. Score!!”

When you talk about your finds and show them to your friends, which pieces do you point out for discussion? The fantastic deals? Those special items that you bagged for a fraction of their value? Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Abuse of Courtesy

If you have a telephone, at some point you’ve probably gotten a call that goes something like this:

The phone rings. You answer. There’s a long buzzy pause as a piece of equipment somewhere figures out that they have a person at the end of the line. Finally, there’s a voice. Continue reading

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Reality Check: If only you had come with an instruction manual…

You know those instruction manuals that come with electronics, appliances, and other complicated products? Even though they are friendlier than they used to be, many people ignore the manuals and just push buttons till the thing does what you want it to do. Sometimes swearing is involved, which may or may not help.

However, if you do choose to take some time to read a manual or watch an instructional video, it’s amazing what you can learn.

If you’re one of those special individuals who reads instructions, consider this: Wouldn’t it be awesome if people came with instruction manuals?!  Continue reading

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Reality Check: Let’s talk failure…

Just when you thought these columns were all about joy, positivity and success, here comes one on failure!

I’m grateful to one of my readers for inspiring me to examine failure and how to define it. There’s a practical application here. If you’re pursuing a leadership position, it’s not unusual to be asked, “How do you define success?” It’s just as valid to be asked, “How do you define failure?”

There is plenty of advice around on how to define success. A definition consistent with choice theory would suggest that you start by examining what you want. When you perceive that your reality is consistent with what you want, then you feel satisfied. In other words, successful!

So, is failure as simple as, “I’m not getting what I want”? Not necessarily. Another important factor is direction of movement. Continue reading

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Reality Check: You’re probably not alone…

“So much paperwork. And it’s all so confusing.”

That’s Wanda’s description of her plight right now. She’s entering a stage of life where changes must be made. Many of those changes involve finances. Thus, they involve paperwork, meetings, and decisions. It’s overwhelming; even frightening.

She continues, “Whenever I have to deal with all these papers, I feel sick. I get so muddled up and out of sorts that I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.”

Wanda was genuinely surprised when I suggested to her she’s not alone in having these feelings when dealing with such matters. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Presuming Good Intent

If you’re going to make an assumption about someone, it’s more helpful to assume that they have good intent rather than bad.

What do you think of that?

Let’s eliminate the situations where the assumption of good intent is obviously foolhardy. A sketchy-looking character skulks up behind you while you’re at the ATM; maybe their intent is not to be helpful. But in everyday situations, is life more satisfying when we presume good intent rather than evil? Continue reading

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Reality Check: Unintended Effects

When we interact with people, we have control over how we behave. We can choose our actions, our thoughts, perceptions, and to some degree, even our feelings.

What we can’t control is what others do. Smiling at a stranger doesn’t “make” them smile back. (It doesn’t hurt to smile anyway.)

While we are responsible for our own actions, we also know that our actions affect others. Even casual interactions can have effects, perhaps quite unintended effects.

Those effects are especially important in business. A call center employee who initiates a helpful phone call could bring in a new long-term client. A clerk who responds to a customer request in an effective way could improve the perception of the entire company.

Our actions can have a particularly significant impact when we hold a position of authority. Take the example of Teresa, who has been tasked with training a new employee, Kallie. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Help Yourself? Here are some resources…

Self-help may not be as effective as professional help. But if you can’t, or don’t want to find a suitable professional to help you work through your challenges, then self-help is better than no help at all.

Last column, I suggested that we can learn skills to help us live more satisfying lives and get along with the people we need. One way is through reading, and there are loads of books out there. However, you only need one book—the one that works for you. Here are a few possibilities.

The first book that I read by Dr. Glasser was the one that happened to be available at our library at the time. It was “Reality Therapy in Action,” since reissued as “Counseling with Choice Theory.” The book was an eye-opener for me. Glasser uses snippets of conversations from counseling sessions to demonstrate his approach and to teach the essentials of choice theory. It’s an excellent introduction to learning skills to help us improve our relationships.   Continue reading

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