Reality Check: Building Emotional Resources

Posted on April 5, 2015 by RealityCheck

What comes to mind when you think of resources? There are natural resources—forests, fresh water, and minerals. There are financial resources—money in the bank and those toonies in your pocket. Companies refer to human resources—employees with skills and knowledge who make the company work.

If you live in a rural area, it’s likely that you, or someone you know, has a stack of scrap wood in the shed. In the house, there’s probably a collection of fabric suttles and spare buttons.

One definition of a resource is “a source of supply in reserve.” You might not think of those scraps as resources, but that’s what they are! And when you need a shim, it’s nice to be able to go to the “resource pile” and get one.

If only the scrap wood pile could serve as an all-purpose resource! However, different situations call for different resources. Personal problems, relationship problems, emotional problems—they call for emotional resources. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: A Sustainable Relationship

Posted on March 29, 2015 by RealityCheck

Sustainability. It’s a popular word now, and its relevance is not limited to trees and trash.

Thinking about sustainability implies thinking long term. For example, consider a sustainably-harvested woodlot. What do you see? Some trees ready for harvest, some left standing for future growth, and some deadwood left for bird and animal shelter. Sustainably managed, a woodlot can continue producing indefinitely.

How might the principle of sustainability apply to relationships? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Do I want to be excused?

Posted on March 22, 2015 by RealityCheck

May I be excused? A more effective question is, “Do I want to be excused?” Taking it one step further, “Do I want to make excuses for myself?”

What is the purpose of an excuse? It provides a way of looking at an action (usually a negative action) to make it seem ok. It gives us an “out.” The excuse doesn’t make the situation better, but it can make our action seem more understandable and acceptable to us (even if no one else accepts it.)

For example, “I couldn’t pick up your groceries because I was too tired.” “I sounded angry because I was in a hurry.” “I forgot your birthday because I have so much on my mind.” “I can’t pass in my homework because the dog ate my iPad.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Adversity: Can Thinking Help?

Posted on March 15, 2015 by RealityCheck

Nothing’s really bad or good, but thinking makes it so. Did Shakespeare get it right?

Sooner or later, most of us face adversity. For some types of adversity, we have control over whether the result is a huge disruption or a minor glitch. How? Perhaps it’s in how we think about the adversity.

Jennifer’s husband has finally been accepted into a training program at work. If he succeeds, he will have expanded opportunities, more job security, and ultimately, a bigger paycheque. It’s all good. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Their Good News

Posted on March 8, 2015 by RealityCheck

How do you respond when someone tells you their good news?
In his book Flourish, Martin Seligman describes four ways of responding, and suggests that only one of those ways is helpful for relationship building. Let’s look at an example.
Little Amanda gets home from school and exclaims, “Mommy, mommy, I got an A!”
Mommy responds, “Amanda, that’s wonderful! Doesn’t that feel great? How did you do it? What did the teacher say? Let’s do something to celebrate!”
Or, Mommy responds, “Oh. That’s good.”
Or, Mommy responds, “It’s about time. Now why aren’t you getting A’s in the rest of your work?”
Or, Mommy responds, “Wash your face. You look like you’ve been playing in the mud.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When Positive Thinking Meets External Control

Posted on March 1, 2015 by RealityCheck

Last post, I suggested that positive thinking can be helpful, but with a caveat—to be effective, it needs to be paired with positive action.
So, if positive thinking is good, then shouldn’t everybody get on board? You know, “Turn that frown upside-down,” etc.
It can be easy to mistake positive thinking for another behaviour, and that behaviour deserves some scrutiny. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Ups and Downs of Positive Thinking

Posted on February 22, 2015 by RealityCheck

Do you “think positively?” Do you believe that it’s important and helpful to do so?

One of the appealing aspects of choice theory for me is its positive message and optimistic view of human possibility. By recognizing what we can and can’t control; we can develop more personal freedom. By developing ways of interacting without attempting to externally control others; we can build better, happier relationships. It all leads to more life satisfaction.

Even when we can’t change the reality, we can sometimes change our perception. In a highly dissatisfying situation that you can’t change, try getting a different perspective by asking, “Is there a positive way of looking at this?” It could help!

Are there any potential downsides to thinking positively? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Power and Embarrassment

Posted on February 15, 2015 by RealityCheck

Fear of embarrassment is powerful. Some folks will do almost anything to avoid feeling embarrassed. Why?

According to choice theory, among the basic needs that we all share is a need for power; that is, to be respected and valued. Some of the responses we choose may depend on how well that power need is being satisfied.

For example, you’re doing a task at work and your co-worker tells you, “You’re doing that wrong.” If your power need is generally satisfied, Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Value of Compassion

Posted on February 8, 2015 by RealityCheck

What does it mean to be compassionate? What differentiates a compassionate person from others?

Elsie values compassion; in her mind, it is simply the right way to be. She easily finds ways to treat strangers compassionately by giving of her time, her money, and her heart.

Where Elsie has a struggle with compassion, however, is within her own family. Her daughter, Lisa, has made life choices that Elsie can’t understand. As far as Elsie can tell, many of Lisa’s choices have brought her only negative consequences. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Value of Perspective

Posted on February 1, 2015 by RealityCheck

Madison is afraid. As she understands it, polar bears are drowning, cities are flooding, our food is killing us, and artificially-intelligent appliances will become our masters. The world can be a frightening place, especially for a young person.
Of course, some fear is useful. Fear can be effective as a deterrent against taking dangerous, foolhardy risks! Continue reading →

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