Reality Check: Here’s to a Satisfying Holiday

Posted on November 30, 2014 by RealityCheck

For some folks, the prospect of holidays and the expectations that come with them can evoke feelings that are closer to dread than joy. And if our perception is that others effortlessly produce perfect food, gifts, and parties while surrounded by perfectly behaved children (and spouses), that perception could add to the lack of satisfaction.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Each of us has at least some control over how our holiday season goes. If you are struggling to keep it all in perspective, here are a few suggestions.
First ask yourself, “What do I want?” This choice theory question is such a helpful starting point for many situations. Consider, “What does Christmas mean to me? What really matters to me now? What is most important for me to do? What do I really want from this time?” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Reaction Rut

Posted on November 23, 2014 by RealityCheck

If you’ve ever stubbed your toe, then you’re familiar with quick physical reactions. “Ouch!” (or other words) are almost instant responses to pain; no thought required.

Physical pain isn’t the only type of pain though, is it?

In choice theory, Dr. Glasser uses the image of a scale (a teeter-totter) to help explain how we behave. One side holds our internal sense of what we want (he calls that our quality world.) The other side holds our perception of what’s happening.

When we perceive that what we have pretty much matches what we want, the teeter-totter is balanced. We feel satisfied.

However, when we perceive an event as “not what we want;” our teeter totter gets out of balance and we feel a quick jolt of pain. Then what? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Boundaries and Disputes

Posted on November 16, 2014 by RealityCheck

Boundaries can create cause for dispute. Sometimes, however, setting a boundary can be an effective way to diffuse a dispute.
Emma has endured criticism from her mother all her life. In her youthful rush to get married and away from the stream of disapproval, Emma made an unfortunate choice of husband. Emma’s mom missed no opportunity to point out that mistake, and the criticism continued even after Emma divorced. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Satisfaction of Small Steps

Posted on November 9, 2014 by RealityCheck

Ups and downs are a part of life. When life goes well, activities tend to fall in to place; you know what you need and want to do.

It’s during those down times that it can be difficult to figure out what, if anything, to do. What do you do when you are feeling stuck?

Jason has worked at a low-skill job since high school. While he makes barely enough to get by, he still counts himself lucky, considering his friends who have no work at all. However, at this rate, he knows that he’ll never be able to afford to raise a family, own a house, or even buy a decent truck. He’s at a dead end. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Lots on your Plate?

Posted on November 2, 2014 by RealityCheck

Busy, busy, busy. Ask most anyone how they are doing and you’ll often hear, “I’m so busy!”

What are some potential consequences of that busy-ness?

Harriet cares for a very sick child, looks after an elderly aunt, and has a myriad of other responsibilities. She’s busy. She’s also worried, sad, and lonely.

Yvonne, Harriet’s friend, is aware of Harriet’s busy-ness and doesn’t want to add to her burden. So she doesn’t call Harriet and trouble her with the events of her life. Yvonne does inquire after Harriet from their mutual acquaintances, and everyone is very sympathetic. “Yes, it’s an awful situation. And she’s so busy.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Power in Retirement

Posted on October 26, 2014 by RealityCheck

Among other needs, Dr. Wm. Glasser asserts that we all have a basic need for power. Before you get too excited and protest that you have no such need, let’s explore what that power need might look like.

If you have an opinion that’s important to you, would you like other people to listen respectfully? When you enter a restaurant, would you like someone to acknowledge your presence? When you’ve worked hard and accomplished a difficult task, would you like to hear, “Great job!”?

Those are examples of this very basic need—acknowledgement that you matter, you have value, you count. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: More Retirement Planning

Posted on October 19, 2014 by RealityCheck

Whether you are looking forward to retirement with delight or trepidation, planning can help. While financial planning can help satisfy your need for survival, it’s also important to consider other needs.

Last column, I suggested finding ways to satisfy your love and belonging need. After all, in retirement, you’ll no longer enjoy all that love and belonging that you used to get at work!

We have other needs too: for freedom, fun, and power.

When you dance out the door of your workplace that last time, your freedom need may feel delightfully satisfied. However, that could be a temporary feeling unless you ensure that this new “free” time doesn’t rapidly disappear. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Retirement Planning

Posted on October 12, 2014 by RealityCheck

Retirement planning is often associated with money. You already know that money isn’t everything, so let’s try looking at retirement planning from a choice theory perspective.

According to choice theory, we all have a set of basic needs: survival, love & belonging, power, freedom, and fun. For a satisfying life, we need some level of satisfaction of each of those needs.

Many retirement planning discussions focus on what is essentially the survival need—how to ensure enough money and a roof over your head. This column will focus on one of the other needs: love & belonging. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: More Encouragement

Posted on October 5, 2014 by RealityCheck

Last post, I suggested that honesty is an important characteristic of effective encouragement. When offering encouragement, ask yourself, “Do I believe the encouraging words I am about to say, or are they just “feel-good” words and wishful thinking?”

If your encouragement is based on facts and experience, then say so. For example, “I know that you can succeed at this challenge because you have already overcome greater challenges.” Such honest, fact-based encouragement can be powerful.

Why, then, is encouragement sometimes ineffective? Perhaps the encouragement offered is really something else in disguise, as in the following examples. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: An Encouraging Word

Posted on October 5, 2014 by RealityCheck

The act of offering sincere encouragement can be as satisfying for you as it is helpful for the person being encouraged. Encouragement feels good. Encouragement can be motivational. Encouragement can be the key to a win-win in many areas of life, whether it’s work, school, or family.

With all those positive effects, encouragement is a useful skill to develop!

You’ll notice that I said, “skill to develop.” Doesn’t everyone know what encouragement is and how to give it? Surprisingly not. Continue reading →

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