Reality Check: Let’s talk failure…

Posted on October 15, 2017 by RealityCheck

Just when you thought these columns were all about joy, positivity and success, here comes one on failure!

I’m grateful to one of my readers for inspiring me to examine failure and how to define it. There’s a practical application here. If you’re pursuing a leadership position, it’s not unusual to be asked, “How do you define success?” It’s just as valid to be asked, “How do you define failure?”

There is plenty of advice around on how to define success. A definition consistent with choice theory would suggest that you start by examining what you want. When you perceive that your reality is consistent with what you want, then you feel satisfied. In other words, successful!

So, is failure as simple as, “I’m not getting what I want”? Not necessarily. Another important factor is direction of movement. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: You’re probably not alone…

Posted on October 8, 2017 by RealityCheck

“So much paperwork. And it’s all so confusing.”

That’s Wanda’s description of her plight right now. She’s entering a stage of life where changes must be made. Many of those changes involve finances. Thus, they involve paperwork, meetings, and decisions. It’s overwhelming; even frightening.

She continues, “Whenever I have to deal with all these papers, I feel sick. I get so muddled up and out of sorts that I just want to crawl into a cave and never come out.”

Wanda was genuinely surprised when I suggested to her she’s not alone in having these feelings when dealing with such matters. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Presuming Good Intent

Posted on October 1, 2017 by RealityCheck

If you’re going to make an assumption about someone, it’s more helpful to assume that they have good intent rather than bad.

What do you think of that?

Let’s eliminate the situations where the assumption of good intent is obviously foolhardy. A sketchy-looking character skulks up behind you while you’re at the ATM; maybe their intent is not to be helpful. But in everyday situations, is life more satisfying when we presume good intent rather than evil? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Unintended Effects

Posted on September 24, 2017 by RealityCheck

When we interact with people, we have control over how we behave. We can choose our actions, our thoughts, perceptions, and to some degree, even our feelings.

What we can’t control is what others do. Smiling at a stranger doesn’t “make” them smile back. (It doesn’t hurt to smile anyway.)

While we are responsible for our own actions, we also know that our actions affect others. Even casual interactions can have effects, perhaps quite unintended effects.

Those effects are especially important in business. A call center employee who initiates a helpful phone call could bring in a new long-term client. A clerk who responds to a customer request in an effective way could improve the perception of the entire company.

Our actions can have a particularly significant impact when we hold a position of authority. Take the example of Teresa, who has been tasked with training a new employee, Kallie. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Help Yourself? Here are some resources…

Posted on September 17, 2017 by RealityCheck

Self-help may not be as effective as professional help. But if you can’t, or don’t want to find a suitable professional to help you work through your challenges, then self-help is better than no help at all.

Last column, I suggested that we can learn skills to help us live more satisfying lives and get along with the people we need. One way is through reading, and there are loads of books out there. However, you only need one book—the one that works for you. Here are a few possibilities.

The first book that I read by Dr. Glasser was the one that happened to be available at our library at the time. It was “Reality Therapy in Action,” since reissued as “Counseling with Choice Theory.” The book was an eye-opener for me. Glasser uses snippets of conversations from counseling sessions to demonstrate his approach and to teach the essentials of choice theory. It’s an excellent introduction to learning skills to help us improve our relationships.   Continue reading →

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Reality Check: There will always be an Irma

Posted on September 10, 2017 by RealityCheck

Are there people in your life who bug you? Treat you badly? Is this the story of your life?

Sweet little Mary was picked on throughout her first year of school. Her nemesis was Irma, a big girl in a big grade. Irma taunted and poked fun at Mary for no reason. Such an unpleasant girl was Irma.

Finally, the school year was over and Irma moved. Mary was ecstatic, looking forward to a peaceful year.

But another big kid decided to pick on Mary. Mary started feeling like she had a target on her back.

Throughout Mary’s childhood, there was always someone who had it in for her. Mary would go over and over each unpleasant incident in her mind. “Why me?” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Sidestep your Traps

Posted on September 10, 2017 by RealityCheck

Why do I keep doing that? I should know better by now!

That’s the way Sophie beats herself up after conversations with her mother. Why, indeed?

The relationship with her mom was never great. Sophie is warm and outgoing, whereas mom says little. When mom does talk, it’s more critical than supportive. Mom’s philosophy, “Why would I tell you that you’re doing a good job? That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

Throughout her life, Sophie has worked hard to prove that she meets mom’s high standards and deserves her approval. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: An Anxiety Alternative

Posted on August 27, 2017 by RealityCheck

If we choose to worry, there’s plenty to worry about.

Thanks to the mixed blessing of access to information from all over the world, we can worry about things that we have absolutely no control over and that may never affect us.

Closer to home, we could worry about what might happen tomorrow. What if my worries come true?

Or, we could worry about what should have happened yesterday. What should I have done differently?

If you are blessed (or cursed) with a vivid imagination, you can fill your mind with vibrant “what ifs” and “shoulda-coulda” pictures. But we only get to live our lives between yesterday and tomorrow—in that space called today. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Blue Day Defenses

Posted on August 20, 2017 by RealityCheck

Ever had a blue day? No? You can skip this column, then. However, if “blue day” is sadly recognizable for you, read on.

Our actions affect our feelings, so if you are feeling down and you don’t like that feeling, then a choice theory suggestion is to take action.

It can require some creative thinking to come up with positive actions that will help you feel happier. And when you are feeling blue, the reality is that creativity can be hard to muster.

So, if you know that you have blue days, try planning ahead by making the following lists. They will be easier to create when you are happy rather than blue. But any time is better than never. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Joy of Groundrules

Posted on August 13, 2017 by RealityCheck

How’s the new job, Sara?

It’s ok, but there are an awful lot of rules. There’s a rule for when you come in, when you leave, what you can say to customers, what you do during slow times…There is a rule for everything!

Some folks don’t like rules. If that’s you, then you may be surprised to learn that others enjoy having clear rules. Continue reading →

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