Reality Check: Dances with Feelings

Posted on November 20, 2016 by RealityCheck

When it comes to feelings, do you lead? Follow? Or just try to get out of their way?

You may remember, “If it feels good, do it.” That slogan came with a prevailing “wisdom” that it’s not only OK for feelings to guide your actions, but…that’s the authentic way to live!

Thus, if a choice doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good. A consequence of using this for your life philosophy could be that you take only paths that feel good, abandoning them when good feelings fade. If good feelings are transient, then you go from path to path, ever-seeking, never satisfied.

Instincts and feelings are certainly useful. For example, “This dark alley feels a little creepy; maybe I will choose another route.” Feelings that cause us to consider our actions can be handy for self-preservation! Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Joy of Mastery

Posted on November 13, 2016 by RealityCheck

In a talk on mastery, Sal Khan discusses the difficulty inherent in an educational process that pushes people to learn new material before they’ve mastered fundamentals.

Mastery of learning is an appropriate topic for Khan. He’s the founder of khanacademy.org, a website that provides lots and lots of opportunity to practice math and science.

Khan questions how we’d view house construction if we treated it the way we treat achievement in school. Is it OK for an inspector to declare a foundation 75% correct and say, “It passed! Carry on.”?

We know that the foundation needs to be 100% or the whole construction will eventually come tumbling down!

Where else is mastery critical? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Time Trap

Posted on November 6, 2016 by RealityCheck

There exists a near-universal excuse to get out of most any activity. It goes like this: “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have enough time to do that.”

Have you ever used this excuse? I have.

So many people feel time-stressed that they believe the “lack-of-time” excuse. They may have even used it themselves and will often accept it as a perfectly reasonable, understandable response from others.

There is a cynical way to perceive this excuse, however. In case this has never occurred to you, here it is: Pleading lack of time enables us to weasel out of an activity that we didn’t want to do anyway, without having to come right out and say, “I don’t want to do that.”

But really, what’s the difference between “I don’t have enough time to do that” and “I don’t want to do that”? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Purpose of Difficulty?

Posted on October 31, 2016 by RealityCheck

At some point in your life, you will probably go through a difficult patch. Perhaps you perceive that you have had more than your share of difficulties already. Maybe you’ve witnessed someone whose life seems to be filled with one difficulty after another.

In some cases, our difficulties are the logical consequences of choices we’ve made. In other cases, however, difficulties result from events completely out of our control. The choices made by others can have a negative impact on our lives. Sometimes, plain, simple bad luck can take us to the wrong place at the wrong time.

The difficulties that come up in our lives may seem unfair, and it can be heart-wrenching to observe difficult things happening to people we care about.

However, no matter the difficulty facing us, we have some choices. While we may not be able to choose our outcome, we can choose our attitudes and perceptions. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Demonstrations of Love

Posted on October 23, 2016 by RealityCheck

Dr. Wm. Glasser says that all humans need love and belonging. Some people need a lot; others not so much, but everybody has this genetic need. We have other genetic needs too, but for now, we’ll just look at love.

When you love someone, how do you show it? Conversely, how do you know that you are loved? What do you perceive to be demonstrations of love? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Another Route to Self-Esteem

Posted on October 16, 2016 by RealityCheck

Last posting, I recounted Brady’s story. Brady’s high self-esteem as a youngster came crashing down in adulthood when he encountered a boss who didn’t interpret awesomeness as just showing up. The profuse praise Brady was accustomed to receiving for minimal accomplishment hadn’t prepared him for an adult reality where praise is often scarce and (sadly) where criticism is often the norm.

In contrast to Brady, Brandon didn’t receive much praise in his life. Granted, when he performed a task particularly well or achieved a goal that was difficult for him, Brandon’s parents let him know they were proud of him. But the family culture and expectation was that accomplishment matters; that recognition comes from setting and achieving goals.

Brandon was expected to work for his spending money. Through that experience, he has learned that earning money takes effort. So, he’s pretty careful about not wasting his money or damaging his possessions. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Routes to Self-Esteem

Posted on October 9, 2016 by RealityCheck

Is self-esteem a double-edged sword?

Too little self-esteem? You can find yourself living an unsatisfying life with little confidence. You may treat yourself as if you have low value or worth. Others may take your behaviour as a cue, and treat you likewise.

Too much self-esteem can also bring unsatisfying consequences. You may be perceived as egotistical, arrogant. You may have few satisfying relationships because you act as if you are more valuable and confident than everyone else!

One approach toward reaching the Goldilocks solution (not too much, not too little, it’s just right) is through self-evaluation. Self-evaluation works by examining your actions and asking yourself, “How well is what I’m doing working for me?” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Bears, Breakdowns & Choice Theory

Posted on October 2, 2016 by RealityCheck

The anecdotes and characters in my columns are usually composite characters and fictionalized situations. However, occasionally, I do write about an actual situation or person (after asking permission, of course.) Such is the case for this column, where the behaviour in a situation was so effective that I wanted to share it with you.

Becky, my practicum supervisor during Reality Therapy certification, later became my friend. She’s no stranger to choice theory and reality therapy, and she applies those principles very effectively in her life.

Becky has taken a job out west, and she chose to get there by driving across Canada. It’s a long drive! So, her daughter accompanied her and helped out with the driving.

My hope for anyone who goes on a journey is that they have an “uneventful” trip. I know that this is not everyone’s preference; some folks actually enjoy drama and chaos, but in my quality world, trips are uneventful. So my general sendoff to my travelling friends is, “Have a safe and uneventful trip!”

However, Becky’s trip was not uneventful. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Shamrock Plant

Posted on September 25, 2016 by RealityCheck

On a special occasion years ago, my Aunt Kathleen gifted me with a shamrock plant. For years, I’d admired hers. It flourished beautifully and was always in bloom. Now, I had my own!

My plant, however, isn’t quite so consistent in its performance. It goes through mysterious cycles. Although it gets the same amount of water and light all the time, sometimes it is blooming, thriving, and exquisite. Other times, it looks like it’s on death’s door, straggly, sparse, and flowerless.

While I was trimming the dead bits from this plant yet again, I had the opportunity to think about its behaviour. And, I came to some conclusions. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: You’re a Character!

Posted on September 12, 2016 by RealityCheck

When you hear someone say, “He (or she) is a character!” the implication is usually that the person is kind of…quirky.

On the other hand, when someone shows a lot of character, the implication is that they’ve demonstrated strength in the face of adversity. Perhaps they are courageous, loyal, trustworthy, doing the right thing even in difficult circumstances.

In an earlier column, I referred to KIPP—a school system that’s achieving outstanding success with students from often-marginalized groups. They focus on developing character as well as academic skills. They suggest that there are 7 character strengths that can help one lead an engaged, happy, and successful life.

What do you think? Take a few seconds; jot down what you think those strengths might be. Continue reading →

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