Reality Check: Relationships and the Power Need

Posted on April 17, 2016 by RealityCheck

Last time, I suggested that a marriage where both people have a high need for power and low need for love and belonging may present challenges. However, that doesn’t mean that such a couple is doomed to a life of bickering and power struggles.

In “Reality Therapy,” Dr. Robert Wubbolding discusses the need for power as, “Human beings desire the self-perception of being capable of achieving, of accomplishing something, of pride, status and importance.”

There’s nothing negative in itself about the power need, and there are many ways to satisfy it. Feeling that you have control over your life, that you have worthwhile achievements, feeling respected and recognized, knowing that you are competent; those are all need-satisfying perceptions. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Marriage — Who’s in Charge?

Posted on April 10, 2016 by RealityCheck

If you’re happily married, you may have an easy, good-humoured response to the question of who’s in charge in your marriage. Did you say, “my wife/husband”?

If you’re struggling in your marriage, however, you may also have a quick response to the question of who’s in charge, or at least, about who is trying to be in charge. And the feelings that go with your answer may not be so good-humoured. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Building a Happier Marriage

Posted on April 3, 2016 by RealityCheck

Fundamental to choice theory is its emphasis on our basic human need for love and belonging. One way we attempt to satisfy that need is through marriage.

The idea of marriage is great. Two people publicly declare their love and state that they will stick together, no matter what. High hopes rule.

With that starting point, you’d think the world would be full of happy marriages. However, that’s not the case, but there is plenty of advice available: counselors, TV, and books.

One of those books is, “Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage” by Dr. Wm. Glasser and his wife, Carleen. The “lessons” are, of course, consistent with choice theory, specifically applied to marriage. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: If Only I Were…

Posted on March 27, 2016 by RealityCheck

It’s easy to find faults in others if one is inclined to do so. If you choose a mindset that compares others to your own internal standard of “how people should be,” you’ll readily see how they fall short. If you devote a lot of your energy to this activity, you may find yourself living a rather miserable life.

Others, however, devote energy to finding fault with themselves, and this, too, can lead to misery.

Now, if you’re a person who is not inclined to find fault with yourself, this column will make little sense to you. Unfortunately, there are plenty of folks who do know what I am talking about. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Terminal Choice

Posted on March 20, 2016 by RealityCheck

Some choices have longer-lasting consequences than others.

The choice of a career, schooling, or home has consequences. The choice of a spouse can have life-changing consequences. Even choices that may seem trivial at the time, such as whether to choose academic high-school courses, can have a long term impact on your life.

The consequence of any of these choices, however, pales in comparison to another. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: A Model of Motivation

Posted on March 13, 2016 by RealityCheck

I have some ambivalence about the positive thinking business. It is a business, after all, with books, articles, and motivational speakers. Much of our culture encourages positive thinking, and you’ve even seen suggestions here in this column.

Positive thinking complements choice theory perspectives on offering information and self-evaluation. When one asks, “Is it more effective to look only at the negative possibilities or also at the positive possibilities?” that’s an encouragement to at least consider choosing a different, positive perception. Ultimately, it’s still up to you to choose.

However, if the simple act of thinking positively were a magic solution, we’d all be smiling optimists by now. If negative nellies saw conclusive evidence that positive thinkers are rewarded with happy, satisfied lives, they’d join in, too.

Well, that hasn’t happened, has it? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: High Anxietying

Posted on March 6, 2016 by RealityCheck

Our language often suggests that we are the passive recipients of our feelings. When we say, “I’m down; I’m sad” or even, “I’m in love, I’m happy!” there’s an implication that feelings just happen.

In choice theory language, however, instead of, “I’m angry,” we might say, “I am choosing anger” or even, “I am angering.” Now the implication is that I’ve made a choice, there’s no external force making me do it. Thus, I could make a different choice! That is—if I want to, and if I know how to choose differently.

Anxiety-related behaviour is associated with an odd word: anxietying. In everyday language, we say, “I’m anxious.” Choice theory suggests, “I am anxietying.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Do, Run, Run…

Posted on February 28, 2016 by RealityCheck

Last time, I looked at what can happen when a dreamer avoids doing. Taken to the extreme, the dreamer who is stuck on dreaming may never take the action necessary to turn their dream into reality.

How about the other side? What are the challenges for the doer who is stuck on doing? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Doers and Dreamers

Posted on February 21, 2016 by RealityCheck

The “Doers and Dreamers’ Travel Guide” is designed to promote tourism. Are you a doer looking for activities? Or a dreamer looking for romantic beach sunsets? No matter which; you can fulfill your wishes here!

Wherever there are people, there are doers and there are dreamers. Action-driven doers forge ahead with activities while big-picture dreamers envision possibilities the rest of us couldn’t even imagine. Working together on a team with a shared goal, doers and dreamers can make a powerful and effective combination.

However, we can’t always depend on having a team to fill in our missing pieces. We need to work with the resources we have, and sometimes that’s just us. What happens when we lack balance? Let’s look at a dreamer. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: What Does Love & Support Look Like?

Posted on February 14, 2016 by RealityCheck

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, so along with eating heart-shaped candies and buying heart-shaped jewellery, it seems like an appropriate time to think about love.
What does love and support look like to you? If you buy into some movie versions, you might picture love as wining, dining, and dancing on beaches. That bliss is complicated by misunderstandings, possessiveness, and bouts of jealousy, and may perhaps ultimately be rescued in a dramatic happy ending.
Even if you don’t buy into love as shown in movies, love and drama seem to be inextricably linked for some. Continue reading →

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