Reality Check: Other People’s Misery

Do you ever find yourself embracing misery that isn’t really yours?

John does. Unlike others in his extended family, John feels that he has a duty to visit and maintain connection with his great-uncle Matthew.

Far from expressing appreciation, Matthew complains. He tells John that no one visits him, even as John is sitting in his room visiting him. He complains that no one takes him anywhere while he is in the car with John, being taken somewhere. He chooses every opportunity to grumble that nobody cares.

Matthew’s behaviour isn’t new; he’s always been cantankerous. Age has not mellowed him; if anything, he’s become even crabbier. While his behaviour may not be well-considered, it is his life and his choice, and Matthew chooses “crabby.” That’s apparently what he wants.

But what about John? What does John want? Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Value of Support

Last post, I told a little story about Sally and her intent to invite a roommate to share her living space. Based on your knowledge of the situation, you anticipated that this arrangement wouldn’t work well.

In other words, you believed that you knew what was best for Sally.

My suggestion was that you offer Sally information based on your experience and observations. So, without telling her what she “should” do, you offered information to help her think through her decision more thoroughly.

Despite carefully considering this information, Sally has chosen to go ahead with her plan anyway.

What do you do now? Continue reading

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Reality Check: If I Know What’s Right for You…

Do you know what’s right for someone else? It’s easy to think that we know exactly what someone should do, think, or feel. And then, it’s easy to tell them!

Dr. William Glasser associates the “I-know-what’s-right-for-you” perspective with misery. In his book, “Choice Theory,” he says “…people feel obligated to try to force us to do what they know is right. Our choice of how we resist that force is, by far, the greatest source of human misery.”

Ouch! Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Voter’s Choice

Election season continues. Far from being happy about having a say in how our country is governed, some folks are responding with frustration, confusion, and “Why bother voting?

Here are the main objections I’ve been hearing:
1. Politicians are all the same.
2. I don’t believe them.
3. I don’t like them.

While the objections are understandable, before you throw up your hands or tear up your ballot, try these perspectives. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Time to Double Down?

Not so long ago, in a place not so far away, a government with the very best intentions wanted to encourage kids to eat in a healthy way. A commendable goal. The question: how might one do this?

A program was initiated. It required that the kids include a healthy item, such as a fruit or vegetable, in their lunch choices.

The reasoning behind this requirement may have been that if kids develop a habit of eating good-for-you foods, then they will begin avoiding those readily available unhealthy foods: pop, potato chips, and deep-fried everything.

Ultimately, the children would grow up stronger, healthier, and perhaps even smarter! What could possibly go wrong? Continue reading

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Reality Check: Are we there yet?

When you go on a trip with kids (or some adults), a repetitive chorus of, “Are we there yet?” is something you may as well just expect.

If you are the driver, you may choose to find that annoying.

However, put yourself in the position of the passenger-child for a moment. They have no control over where they are, and they probably have little information about where they are or what is to come. From their point of view, it’s just one endless boring kilometer after another. When will it ever end?

We go on many journeys throughout our lives, and not all of them involve travelling. Continue reading

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Reality Check: Habit-Forming

It’s commonly said that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. It’s tempting to believe that if you rigidly adhere to a new behaviour for a set number of days, then it magically becomes engrained in you. You have a new habit! You don’t have to think about it anymore; it’s not painful anymore; it’s just a new, improved you.

Ahhh…if only it were true.

Each of us has habits; some positive, satisfying ones that work well for us, and probably a few others that don’t work so well. Those may cause us dissatisfaction or even pain.

One interesting habit is that of being happy or unhappy. You may have noticed that some people seem happy, or at least satisfied, even when bad things happen in their lives. When they experience setbacks like everyone does, they still seem to remain fundamentally contented. Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Worry-Weed Patch

Even if you’ve never gardened, you’ve probably noticed that a patch of bare ground doesn’t stay bare for long. Nature doesn’t like empty space.

What fills that space? Weeds, of course. Lambs-quarters take up residence in the garden; plantain plants itself in gravel; dandelions will even grow in cracks in a sidewalk. No matter how inhospitable the spot, there’s a weed that will thrive.

While we could debate whether these plants are weeds or nature’s gifts, for now, let’s define a weed as anything that grows where it’s not wanted. Unless planted, bare ground fills with weeds.

What about other empty spaces? For example, how about empty space in our lives—when we’re bored and can find nothing we want to do? Or empty space in our thoughts, when we find nothing engaging or interesting. Or perhaps we have empty space in our feelings, times when we just feel “blah.” Continue reading

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Reality Check: The Scorekeeping Relationship

Last time, I made a case for keeping score in our lives. Keeping track of data about how we spend our time, what we do with our money, or even how much we eat can be helpful. It provides us with information, which we can use to evaluate our actions objectively. It can keep us motivated and help us progress in the direction we want to go. It’s all good.

However, I also suggested that there’s one place where keeping score makes lives worse rather than better. Where’s that? In my view—it’s score-keeping in a relationship.

Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a relationship among children, with coworkers, or even between friends, the downsides of scorekeeping outweigh any potential upsides.

What is score-keeping in a relationship? You can sum it up in three little words: “You owe me.” Continue reading

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Reality Check: Scorekeeping and Self-Evaluation

Scorekeeping. We’re all familiar with it. Whether your experience is on the soccer field or at the card table, you know that keeping score can add value to the game. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t keep doing it, right?

Fundamentally, keeping score involves taking data and then using that data to make comparisons or draw conclusions. The sports world—indeed, competitions of all types thrive on it.

Scorekeeping is also useful for self-development. For example, say you are trying to improve your stamina. First, choose a metric (the quantity to measure) such as, “How far have I walked?” Continue reading

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