Reality Check: When Wants Collide

Posted on May 3, 2015 by RealityCheck

When our wants collide with the wants of others, conflict can occur. However, you don’t necessarily need two people for a conflict! How about when your wants collide?

Jane wants many things. She wants time to spend with her children and to appreciate her elderly relatives.

She also wants money. She wants a good paycheque, benefits, and pension to reduce her anxiety about the future.

She also wants achievement, to know that she is the absolute best she can be.

She also wants involvement and contribution, to know she’s fulfiling her role in society.

And Jane wants fun. She wants to replace her feelings of drudgery and disappointment with feelings of success and abundance.

That’s not asking too much, is it? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: To Choose or Not to Choose?

Posted on April 26, 2015 by RealityCheck

In recent public service ads, a teenager says something like, “My parents didn’t tell me that driving while high was a bad idea, so it must be ok.”

One logical response is, “If your parents didn’t tell you it’s a bad idea to jump off the roof, does that mean it’s ok?” (There’s also the opposite view, “If my parents said it was a bad idea, then it must be awesome!” But we know that teenagers don’t think like that, right? )

Fact is, what some of us consider obvious and “common” sense is not obvious and common to all. It’s surprising what people don’t know! So the ad encourages parents to give information—tell your children specifically that driving while high (or working while high, or coming to school while high) is not ok.

This column isn’t a rant about teenage behaviour, though; it’s about choices! Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Big Sigh

Posted on April 19, 2015 by RealityCheck

Memorable sayings aren’t always elegant and this one, though a little crude, is also unforgettable: “Assume—it makes an ass of u and me.”
Making an assumption doesn’t literally turn you or me into a body part. (I know because I’ve tested it.) However, assumptions can certainly contribute to relationship difficulties.
Miriam appreciates that her niece, Louise, takes the time to visit her weekly to keep her up to date with the family happenings.
Last visit, Miriam got the impression that Louise would rather be elsewhere. She seemed impatient and had even let out a big sigh while Miriam was talking.
Continue reading →

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Reality Check: The Give and Take of Communication

Posted on April 12, 2015 by RealityCheck

There are so many communication pitfalls that it’s amazing that we can communicate at all! It’s not that we can’t make ourselves heard, rather, it’s the understanding /being understood part that’s so problematic.

Rebecca has a hard time communicating with her dad. No matter the topic, conversations end up in a shouting match. There’s no agreement, no resolution, and no one walks away happy.

A typical conversation goes like this: Dad asks, “Where have you been?” Rebecca perceives that as an unreasonable question that she doesn’t want to answer. So, she tells him as little as she thinks she can get away with. When that doesn’t work, she tells him what she thinks he wants to hear. When he doesn’t believe her, they argue. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Building Emotional Resources

Posted on April 5, 2015 by RealityCheck

What comes to mind when you think of resources? There are natural resources—forests, fresh water, and minerals. There are financial resources—money in the bank and those toonies in your pocket. Companies refer to human resources—employees with skills and knowledge who make the company work.

If you live in a rural area, it’s likely that you, or someone you know, has a stack of scrap wood in the shed. In the house, there’s probably a collection of fabric suttles and spare buttons.

One definition of a resource is “a source of supply in reserve.” You might not think of those scraps as resources, but that’s what they are! And when you need a shim, it’s nice to be able to go to the “resource pile” and get one.

If only the scrap wood pile could serve as an all-purpose resource! However, different situations call for different resources. Personal problems, relationship problems, emotional problems—they call for emotional resources. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: A Sustainable Relationship

Posted on March 29, 2015 by RealityCheck

Sustainability. It’s a popular word now, and its relevance is not limited to trees and trash.

Thinking about sustainability implies thinking long term. For example, consider a sustainably-harvested woodlot. What do you see? Some trees ready for harvest, some left standing for future growth, and some deadwood left for bird and animal shelter. Sustainably managed, a woodlot can continue producing indefinitely.

How might the principle of sustainability apply to relationships? Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Do I want to be excused?

Posted on March 22, 2015 by RealityCheck

May I be excused? A more effective question is, “Do I want to be excused?” Taking it one step further, “Do I want to make excuses for myself?”

What is the purpose of an excuse? It provides a way of looking at an action (usually a negative action) to make it seem ok. It gives us an “out.” The excuse doesn’t make the situation better, but it can make our action seem more understandable and acceptable to us (even if no one else accepts it.)

For example, “I couldn’t pick up your groceries because I was too tired.” “I sounded angry because I was in a hurry.” “I forgot your birthday because I have so much on my mind.” “I can’t pass in my homework because the dog ate my iPad.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Adversity: Can Thinking Help?

Posted on March 15, 2015 by RealityCheck

Nothing’s really bad or good, but thinking makes it so. Did Shakespeare get it right?

Sooner or later, most of us face adversity. For some types of adversity, we have control over whether the result is a huge disruption or a minor glitch. How? Perhaps it’s in how we think about the adversity.

Jennifer’s husband has finally been accepted into a training program at work. If he succeeds, he will have expanded opportunities, more job security, and ultimately, a bigger paycheque. It’s all good. Continue reading →

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Reality Check: Their Good News

Posted on March 8, 2015 by RealityCheck

How do you respond when someone tells you their good news?
In his book Flourish, Martin Seligman describes four ways of responding, and suggests that only one of those ways is helpful for relationship building. Let’s look at an example.
Little Amanda gets home from school and exclaims, “Mommy, mommy, I got an A!”
Mommy responds, “Amanda, that’s wonderful! Doesn’t that feel great? How did you do it? What did the teacher say? Let’s do something to celebrate!”
Or, Mommy responds, “Oh. That’s good.”
Or, Mommy responds, “It’s about time. Now why aren’t you getting A’s in the rest of your work?”
Or, Mommy responds, “Wash your face. You look like you’ve been playing in the mud.” Continue reading →

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Reality Check: When Positive Thinking Meets External Control

Posted on March 1, 2015 by RealityCheck

Last post, I suggested that positive thinking can be helpful, but with a caveat—to be effective, it needs to be paired with positive action.
So, if positive thinking is good, then shouldn’t everybody get on board? You know, “Turn that frown upside-down,” etc.
It can be easy to mistake positive thinking for another behaviour, and that behaviour deserves some scrutiny. Continue reading →

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