Do you want to make a difference? When asked about their purpose or goals in life, many will answer with some variation of, “I want to make a difference and do something that matters.”
Often, that wish is connected to helping others—to direct one’s energies toward something longer-lasting and bigger than oneself.
That’s all reasonable. An altruistic purpose can be satisfying for the individual and it might even be helpful for society.
However, so often, the sticky part of a lofty goal is in the details. How, exactly, might you make a difference? How big a difference do you need to make? What specific difference are you aiming for? Continue reading
We might take the building of relationships for granted. Relationships just happen—we meet someone; we hit it off for whatever reason, and we have a relationship!
To be clear, I’m not referring to romantic relationships here. I’m talking about the folks at work, in your community, or even at the dog park. They are just people with whom you share some aspects of your life.
Have you ever thought of deliberately building such a relationship? Consider this possibility.
Ray loved his job. But the company changed and he was offered a choice: take a different job or retire.
The company presented the choice as if Ray is a burden, not an asset to the company. So much for appreciation of his long service! Ray isn’t happy, but he’s not ready to retire. Continue reading
When doing an important task, it works best if you concentrate fully on that one task while you are doing it. For example, you and I both know better than to text while driving.
Driving is an important task, and it deserves concentration. So when we’re driving, it’s also helpful if we choose to refrain from fiddling with the radio, fixing our hair, or gazing dreamily at the ocean.
Just because we know that something is helpful doesn’t mean that we always do it, though, does it?
Driving isn’t the only important task that some of us try to perform while devoting less than our full attention. Consider the practice of “listening while mind-reading.” Listening may not seem to demand the same level of attention as driving, but failure to listen could still be quite destructive, couldn’t it?
When Sam was called into Mary’s office, he was certain that he already knew what the conversation was going to be about. Continue reading
Do you detect that there’s a lot of criticism in your life? If so, how does it feel to be criticized? Are you grateful to have the errors of your ways pointed out to you? Or not so much?
When you are criticized, do you feel closer to the person who is criticizing you, or do you feel more disconnected from them? Does criticism motivate you to spend more time with the critic? Or less?
Among the foundational elements of Dr. Glasser’s choice theory is that relationships are built through the practice of the caring, connecting habits, and destroyed by the practice of the deadly, disconnecting habits. Among those deadly habits is— you guessed it—criticism. Continue reading
For a little over a year, I’ve had an orchid sitting on my table. It’s a tiny plant in a tiny purple pot. When it was given to me, it was in full bloom.
The blooms lasted for what seemed like an extraordinarily long time, despite almost no care from me. It was amazing. Eventually, the blooms fell off, the stem withered, and the blooming was over.
However, the leaves didn’t die and the plant seemed stable. It didn’t grow, but it didn’t die, either. So I kept it on the table. Months passed. Continue reading
Does happiness benefit happy people? Or is it the benefits that happy people have that cause their happiness? It’s the happiness version of the chicken and egg question; which comes first: the happiness or the benefits?
For example, a happy person likely has at least one close friend. Having friends can satisfy the need that we have for love and belonging. This satisfied need can inspire us to support, encourage and care deeply for our friends, which then reinforces the friendships. Continue reading
What does it mean to win a conflict?
Does it mean that you prevailed on the issue, i.e. got your way?
Does it mean that you are recognized by others as the clear victor while your opponent is humiliated?
Perhaps you see winning as the outcome that happens when both proponents are able to walk away with heads high, having reached an agreement that both can live with, even if neither achieved exactly what they had hoped to get.
Different situations call for different approaches. In true choice theory style, I’m going to suggest that your choice of approach will be most effective if you start by asking yourself, “What do I want?” Continue reading
There’s plenty in society, culture, politics, education and life in general that’s not perfect. I don’t believe that it’s ever been perfect. I highly doubt that it ever will be perfect in the future.
Furthermore, my views of what constitutes perfection could be quite different from yours. So even if something did manage to meet my standard of perfection, it may fall far short from your point of view. And then there are all of those other people in the country or even around the globe; each one with their own opinions on how things ought to be.
Granted, there are plenty of opportunities for improvement. You can probably think of a few people whose behaviour you’d like to see improved. I’m well aware that even my own behaviour could stand some improvement.
We could respond to the reality of all of this imperfection with anger, despair, or pessimism. Plenty of people do respond in those ways. They spend their time bemoaning what they see: resenting the present, fearing the future. At some point, a person who maintains that outlook may come to realize that they are leading a pretty miserable, unsatisfying life.
If you find yourself trapped in an unhappy, pessimistic mindset and you would like to change it, here’s a question you might consider. Continue reading
I have many good intentions. Perhaps you do, too!
Those intentions include plans for what I will do for others as well as what I need or want to do for myself. They range from lofty to mundane; from developing new skills to cleaning under the sink.
Big or small, they are all good intentions and I truly intend to do them someday. When I have time.
If you also have a collection of undone good intentions, then I can assure you that you are not alone. While the wording may differ, a recurring theme that I hear is, “I know I need to get started but…” Continue reading
