Reality Check: Choosing Feelings, Indirectly

Posted on June 12, 2025 by RealityCheck

How are you feeling? If you’re feeling good, can you hang on to that feeling? If you’re feeling bad, can you change that feeling?
Last column, I said that Dr. Glasser offers an approach toward gaining control over our feelings. In “Choice Theory,” he writes, “…all our feelings, both pleasurable and painful, are indirectly chosen.” However, if you’ve ever experienced unwanted emotions, (and who hasn’t?) simply telling ourselves to choose a different feeling doesn’t work very well, does it?
Glasser tells the story of Todd, a client whose wife has left him. Todd’s upset. Since his wife walked away, Todd has been sitting at home, hasn’t gone work; he just can’t seem to get going. Some would say he’s “depressed.” Continue reading →

Posted in Making a Change | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: Choosing Feelings, Indirectly

Reality Check: The Present Day

Posted on June 5, 2025 by RealityCheck

We have so many opportunities to find reasons to be upset, anxious, angry, or have other difficult feelings. Your upsets might come from your personal life, from the behaviour of people close to you, such as family, community, or workplace.
If you can’t find enough sources of agitation there, you can always turn on the TV, radio or computer. You won’t have to work too hard to find something to get your blood boiling. If you are so inclined, that is.
Some people like to spend their time in worry or outrage. You can want what you want of course; that’s your choice. However, it sparks my interest when someone recognizes that their feelings are causing problems for them, but believes that they are powerless to change. Continue reading →

Posted in Choosing Perspective | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: The Present Day

Reality Check: Name That Emotion

Posted on May 29, 2025 by RealityCheck

What emotion are you feeling right now? Take a moment; think about it. Is it curiosity? Joy? Sadness? Enthusiasm? Frustration? Loneliness? Optimism?
It’s easy to develop a belief that our emotions control us and that we don’t have much say in the matter. That’s the implication conveyed by some expressions, such as “swept off our feet,” “drowning in despair,” “overcome with anxiety.” It sounds like our emotions are in charge and there’s nothing we can do about it.
If we’re satisfied to let our emotions rule us, then of course that’s our prerogative. However, if you don’t like the way that your emotions take charge of you, then there are some actions that could help. Continue reading →

Posted in Control and Choice | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: Name That Emotion

Reality Check: The Whys and Hows of Relationships

Posted on May 22, 2025 by RealityCheck

Relationships are a big deal in Choice Theory, where much of Dr. Glasser’s writings address how to improve relationships. Yet if we look at current culture, we could get the impression that it’s the disputes that are applauded, not efforts made toward achieving harmony and understanding.
Why are relationships so important? There are different theories. I’ll give you a brief look from the Choice Theory perspective. I’ve found it useful when making choices about relationships; maybe it will be helpful for you too.
Essentially, Choice Theory says that we act to satisfy a set of five basic needs. We have a need for survival/security, power, freedom, fun and love/belonging.
You may be thinking that if we all share the same needs and we are all trying to satisfy them, then we would all act the same way. Well, we know that doesn’t happen, don’t we? Continue reading →

Posted in Relationships | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: The Whys and Hows of Relationships

Reality Check: While We’re Waiting…

Posted on May 15, 2025 by RealityCheck

Are you waiting for something? I’ll bet that you are! Right now, I’m waiting for an appointment date, an order that hasn’t arrived, and a clarification promised by a company. And I’m sure that if I think harder, I can find lots of other items sitting in limbo.
We spend a lot of time waiting. We wait for information; appointments; responses. We wait on the phone, on the web, sometimes even in person.
Sometimes that wait is eager anticipation: waiting for a trip, a visit, or a celebration. Other times, it’s anxious: waiting for a decision, an appointment, or a dreaded gathering.
Why is waiting frustrating? You have your reasons, but one that comes to my mind is about those things that we cannot control. Continue reading →

Posted in Choosing Perspective | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: While We’re Waiting…

Reality Check: One Good Thing

Posted on May 9, 2025 by RealityCheck

“Structured reality therapy” is an approach that Dr. Wm. Glasser developed and used for marriage counselling. Like some other aspects of Choice Theory, the process sounds almost simplistic; essentially it begins by having both people answer five straightforward questions.
Simplicity, however, can be clarifying. If we go through the process, that is, if we actually answer the questions sincerely, we can learn a lot about ourselves and the other person.
Last column, I took a look at the five questions as they apply to marriage. However, this structured approach can be helpful for many situations, not just marriage. One question in particular stands out as a potentially powerful way to help people shift perspective in a difficult situation. Continue reading →

Posted in Choosing Perspective | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: One Good Thing

Reality Check: Five Questions Meet a Conflict

Posted on April 30, 2025 by RealityCheck

Some people take a spontaneous seat-of-the-pants approach to life, while others find structure more satisfying. Personally, I find structure helpful: shopping lists, appointment calendars, journal reminders. Tools of this sort may not work perfectly, but they can help us develop a sense of control over our lives.
But structure isn’t just useful for keeping track of appointments. Dr. Glasser used a structured approach for marriage counselling which he described in “Counselling with Choice Theory.” His relationship counselling approach featured five questions. Those questions, or similar questions, are useful for other situations too.
Let’s take a look at his five questions. Continue reading →

Posted in Relationships | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: Five Questions Meet a Conflict

Reality Check: Can We Resolve This Dispute?

Posted on April 25, 2025 by RealityCheck

Some of us like to solve problems. In fact, we might even identify ourselves as problem-solvers, based on successful problem solving incidents in our past! It’s satisfying to be able to assess a situation, interact with the involved parties, and offer up suggestions for resolution. Especially when those helpful suggestions are implemented and everybody goes away satisfied. Or at least, more satisfied than they were before we got involved.
Thus, it’s ego-bruising to see what seems to be a straightforward dispute that stubbornly refuses to be resolved. Continue reading →

Posted in Relationships | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: Can We Resolve This Dispute?

Reality Check: To Make It Easier

Posted on April 16, 2025 by RealityCheck

When looking for information a while ago, I phoned a local business. I wasn’t quite as prepared as I like to be. Some of us, you know, like to have all our questions lined up beforehand so we are clear about exactly what we need to know. It’s business-like; efficient for everyone involved. And it goes along nicely with that Choice Theory concept of knowing what you want. It’s helpful to know what you want because when you do, you’ll know when you have it.
But for this inquiry, my thoughts were vague and my questions were muddled, so they did, in fact, accurately reflect my situation. That is, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. I wasn’t even completely sure what to ask so I could find out what I wanted to know.
I apologized for this. To my surprise, the proprietor responded with, “Don’t worry. We’re here to make it easier for you.” Continue reading →

Posted in Choosing Perspective | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: To Make It Easier

Reality Check: What Do We Deserve?

Posted on April 12, 2025 by RealityCheck

“I don’t deserve this!” I’m sure you’ve heard it said and maybe even said it yourself. A typical context is, “I’m a good person. I don’t deserve this bad thing that’s happening to me.”
You could be right. We see examples of terrible things that seem so unfair. There are undeserved illnesses, especially in children; crimes, oppression, disasters turning lives upside down. It can be difficult to accept the reality that so many undeserved bad things happen. Continue reading →

Posted in Choosing Perspective | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Reality Check: What Do We Deserve?